Fine Art

Something Borrowed is a terrible, terrible movie, even for a chick flick. I expected a horrible plot and unrealistic relationships, but this was too painful. To top it off, it starred Kate Hudson, who is just plain obnoxious in anything.. Especially a chick flick. I know what you're thinking: "Why on earth would you watch it in the first place?" To that I respond with the ever blamable two words: Subliminal messaging. God damn movie has been heavily advertised for a while, probably to get suckers like me to spend their hard earned money on crap. But it worked, so I guess that makes me the idiot who finally gave in.
So, let me break down why you should never EVER watch this movie, so you don't make the same mistake I did.

First of all, we're immediately introduced to the cliche relationship between Rachel and Darcy (cute names, right? No.), you know the type; Darcy is the crazy attention loving party girl whose best friend is the modest and shy lawyer who lets her push her around. Blatantly obvious who you're supposed to root for, functioning protagonist/antagonist relationship.And then add Dex (really, these names are too precious), Darcy's fiance who just so happens to be Rachel's law school buddy/old crush. And of course it becomes clear that there's some sexual tension residing there. So they hook up on Rachel's birthday and feel oh so guilty the next morning when the drunkzilla calls them both 12 times.

Alright, so we have the basic "We're in love but we shouldn't be, what do we do? We can't hurt Darcy even though she's a well intentioned bitch!". Naturally they pursue their secret relationship, right? Right. If they didn't where would the plot go? So we spend about an hour seeing how that works out as the wedding approaches. Darcy's fairly oblivious to it. It keeps going in loops about their mixed feelings for each other and  follows the normal dialogue presented in movies based around cheating for love. Cut this with strategically revealing flashbacks to Rachel and Dex's budding love in law school, and the mistakes they both made that lead to them landing in each other's "friend zone".

Add Ethan into this mix, somewhere. The two girls best friend since elementary school.. Except he (along with almost everyone else) hates Darcy. He soon guesses what's going on between Rachel and Dex the champion. His purpose becomes the patient best friend, listening to the surprisingly dull affair details. But, GASP, could he be so nice and patient because he's actually in love with Rachel?! No... couldn't be! Oh wait, yes. Yes it could be, he is in love with Rachel. Spoiler alert. Except, if that actually spoiled any of the movie for you after you've watched the first 30 minutes, then you are a dummy. Because that shit is obvious.

Perhaps for comedic relief, perhaps because one of the producers wanted their daughters or something to be in a movie, there's a random other friend who is in love with Ethan. There is absolutely no reason to include this character. Se has 4 lines and adds nothing to the plot, but is in almost every scene with the gang. She will be referred to as Ms. Crazypants.

Then there's Marcus, a clearly idiotic frat boy type whose relation to Dex is mildly unknown until about halfway through. He's kind of like the male equivalent of Darcy (I wonder if that's foreshadowing their eminent relationship/baby.). Oops, spoiler alert number two.

So back to the plot, which becomes increasingly dull, and pointless with all the characters that either add nothing or just get frustrated with each other. This leaves the audience dry, with nothing to follow except how many whiny love songs are played after each scene of the world's most boring affair. Not to mention that the dude who plays Dex, Colin Egglesfield, is an ultra square. Just the fact that "Egg" is actually part of his name sets his fate for failure in Hollywood. Note: this is not meant to offend any eggs out there who are reading this. If you saw the movie, you'd understand.

So finally we reach the point where the fantastic gang of 6 (Rachel, Darcy, Dex, Marcus, Ethan, and Ms. Crazypants) have been to the Hamptons enough to convince anyone out of ever seeing the place as an acceptable vacationing spot. When all their secrets become jeopardized during a "tell a secret every point you get" game of badminton on the beach. That's right, BADMINTON. Naturally, Ethan is frustrated by the fact that all Rachel does is whine and never do anything about anything, so he starts to tell Darcy what's been going down. Rachel then smacks him in the face to prevent Darcy finding out, it works. Somewhere in between we learn that Darcy cheated on Dex, however that doesn't come out to Dex.

Ethan moves to London. Rachel gives Dex an ultimatum. Marcus and Darcy hook up, and who the hell knows what Ms. Cazypants is up to. Dex chooses Darcy because his parents want him to and Rachel decides to visit Ethan in London, DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING! OH NO! FORCED DRAMA!
Upon her arrival Ethan and her apologize to eachother and it comes out that he loves her. She smiles, says nothing and flies back to New York. Mind you, that he was actually crying when he revealed he loved her, and she just smiles and leaves.

Guess who's waiting on her porch when she arrives home? You guessed it! Ms. Crazypants! Just kidding, that would give her character some means of purpose, it's Dex. He says he canceled the wedding and yada yada, they go upstairs. Darcy comes over and says she's preggers with Marcus' kid (that child will be the devil.), is about to leave when she notices Dex's coat. Awww shit. SHIT'S GOIN DOWN.

Best part of the film was Kate Hudson scream crying for about a minute. Priceless. She's gonna be the next Nicholas Cage.

Two Months Later: Rachel and Darcy bump into each other on the road. They're both happy. Whatever. End the movie with Rachel and Dex holding hands walking merrily down a New York sidewalk.
The end. (To be continued also rolls up after the credits. I swear to God if they continue this crap fest I will protest with an actual picket sign.)

So where has this landed us? Happy endings for our protagonist and antagonist. But what about Ethan, huh? What's he gonna do? HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. Also, how about that other chick, huh? You gonna introduce Ms. Crazypants and not provide us with a conclusive ending as to why the hell she was in the movie at all? Just put up a To Be Continued? Cop out. Total cop out.
She was my favorite character, and I think you can tell that I hated her. What does that say about everyone else? Not good things, I'll tell you that.

So, in conclusion, I absolutely adored this movie and would recommend it to anyone who is a fan of fine film and captivating story lines.